To His Holiness Pope Francis,
Greetings to the Holy See from the UWA Baseball & Softball Club. On behalf of the Club, I write to you as Bishop of Rome to formally request the Congregation for Causes of Saints to comment the process of canonisation for one or more members of the UWA D Grade Baseball team. The Club is aware that this can be a lengthy process, one that even takes years, and the Club is prepared to do whatever it can to assist acceleration of this process including in assistance in the investigation of the candidate’s life . (Your Holiness will no doubt excuse me from consideration on the grounds that my life may not always bear such close scrutiny.)
As Your Holiness is aware, canonisation requires performance of two miracles, at least one of which must be performed posthumously. And this is where it gets tricky. The initial miracle that we are speaking of is the solid defeat of West Stirling by the men of D Grade without an actual recognised pitcher. (On this basis, therefore, the posthumous miracle could be attributed to Dylan Tang, the nominated starting pitcher, who is still to appear and speaks very little English. Depending on that duration of his absence it is possible that the Catholic Church is looking at another instance of divine Ascension.)
And this is where it get trickier. Is the miracle attributable to the veteran Andrew White, who got the ball over the plate for two and a third innings, conceding only four runs and claiming the win. Or is it attributable to Tyrone Handley, who stood on a mound for the very first time in the bottom of the third and grew in confidence until inducing as pop-up for the last out in the fourth innings. A very creditable case can be made for Alex Bennet in centrefield who took three strong catches to keep both pitchers in the game. (Indeed Bennet prompted a declaration of marriage from White in the second inning so this may also be an opportune time to respectfully ask the Catholic Church to reconsider its position on marriage –a decision which would please more than a few of our members.) Or should sainthood be dangled in front of the rejuvenated BJ Hall who needed surgery to rediscover his swing and his electrifying speed around the diamond, both as a baserunner and as a fielder. Or possibly Matthew Camerer, who never actually lost his swung but who discovered a taste for stealing bases (just not sliding)?
While White, Justin Mann and myself are the only ones who qualify for a venerable title irrespective of the results of the Congregation’s investigations , every one of the players who took the field in what should have been a hopeless cause deserves the next stage title of blessed. With such faith truly anything is possible. I know that is the sort of Church you aspire yours to be, and I am proud that the baseball team I am a part of is already there.
Yours sincerely,
Shaun Major